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Move

2006-04-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

I've moved to Typepad, so come visit me!

Elope

2006-04-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

B's coming to my office to meet me for lunch today, and then we're going to go the courthouse to get our marriage license. We're eloping. Just him and me, at the courthouse.

His parents are thrilled that we're getting married; mine are not. Our families are so different, and mine can't understand why I do not want to (not to mention can't, right now) do this the traditional way.

Honestly, though, this seems perfect to me. The man I love, standing beside me in the most private ceremony possible. We're so private when it comes to the real, meaningful parts of our relationship, and this is how I want it.

I was crying sporadically throughout the day yesterday, and then all through my session with my therapist, because of my mother's reaction and phone call to me yesterday morning. When I got home yesterday, B had cooked dinner for me. Afterwards, he held me on his lap and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to go get married, just the two of us. He said we could do what he did last time: go and not tell anyone.

And that's what we're doing.

Wedding Bells

2006-03-30T06:36:00.000-08:00

What an amazing week.

My best friend was in town and being able to spend a week with the two most important people in my life was unbelievable. She and B love each other and get along famously - she says that she has the most fun when she's with the two of us. We actually sat around just watching tv and talking for a good part of the week and it was the happiest I've been in a really long time.

And the big news...

B and I are getting married this summer. I'm still in shock, but I can't stop smiling. His deployment date got moved up, so we're sort of in express mode now.

I can't wait to marry this boy.

Stretching Me Thin

2006-03-20T10:12:00.000-08:00

My nerves are shot and I am at the end of my rope.

The thing is, I'm not supposed to feel this way no matter how bad things get. I take Prozac, and a lot of it, for a good reason. I am not supposed to feel stretched this thin anymore.

I've had roommates for less than a week now, and I already hate it. Hate it. I miss having the house to just B and myself. I miss the quiet. I miss not having to fight over the washer or dryer or the television or the kitchen. I hate that when I leave the kitchen clean in the mornings and go off to work, I come home to a sink full of dishes and no one in sight even having bothered to start to clean them up. I hate that this morning, just like every other morning on trash days, I had to collect the trash from all around the house and put it on the curb because no one bothers to help do it the night before, ever, even though they know that I am the only one who has to be up at 6:30 every morning to go to work all day. I hate that our cats don't have nearly as much room to roam anymore, because there is so much crap lying around everywhere. I hate that I can't keep the bathrooms clean. I miss being able to be fully consumed with B and myself, and not having to worry about taking care of 2 other people who need mothering.

B called me today while he was on his way to his parents' house. The sound of his voice instantly calmed me and I thought, again, about how it'll only be a couple of months until I can't hear that voice throughout the day, every day. It's starting to sink in that he's leaving. Maybe it was the fact that he spent a good chunk of the weekend putting software on his new laptop so that he can work on writing his program while he's over there. It was like watching him get ready to leave me and there was nothing I could do about it. It's so frustrating knowing that it's coming and I have to wait for it; I can't just start to get through it now.

I'm waiting for a mortgage broker I used to write insurance for to call me today so we can get the ball rolling on getting a house. The roommates both think they're moving in with us, but I think that B and I are just going to end up being alone again. As hard as being without B is going to be, I don't think that I can handle roommates alone. I avoid confrontation and B's the one who deals with them when it needs to be done now; I can't do it myself.

I just want us to get our new house. I want us to have our life back and get rid of all this idiotic drama that has been brought into our house recently.

New Toy

2006-03-17T08:43:00.000-08:00

B called me a few minutes ago to tell me that his laptop arrived today; he had ordered a new one for when he goes to play in the sand in the fall. I probably won't see much of him for the next few days: my boy is, at heart, the biggest nerd. A day like today is better than all of the other holidays rolled into one.

Sigh.

Back to the Den

2006-03-16T07:36:00.000-08:00

Oh. My. Lord.

My house is once more the den of iniquity that it was when PsychoMagnet lived with us a year ago.

Now that TheStripper and Magnet are both back at home, it's just unbelievable. Surreal. I keep thinking, is this my life? Is this really happening? It's just constant, drunken debauchery of the worst kind.

Take last night, for example. TheStripper got dropped off at home by her ex-boyfriend (yes, the one who kicked her out the day before). She informed us that he met her at the airport, crying and begging her to come back. She reminded him that he was completely off his rocker, and then he paid her cell phone bill, bought her a new computer printer, paid for her son's day care for the next 3 weeks, and handed her a wad of cash. I honestly do not know how she does it. It's like, she flashes a nipple and money and gifts rain from the sky. She came in the house, was introduced to Magnet, and within minutes was shirtless and groping our dear roommate. We all went downtown, danced and drank like fools, and made a scene at each bar we went to because of the ridiculous amount of ass- and crotch-grabbing that went on between the four of us.

And then we came home and all had sex on B's and my bed.

This is how it was a year ago. After everyone moved out and it was just B and me again, we got used to the quiet, laid-back life where we didn't spend so much money on booze and partying anymore. This fact was mentioned when B and I were alone for a few minutes last night, and he told me that he liked the quiet life. The funny thing is, I do too. I love my friends and I love to have a good time, but B and I have matured together in the past year and now we're more focused on buying our house and having a family. It's just different for us now.

Regardless. I woke this morning to clothes, beer bottles, and shot glasses strewn all over the house. Everyone was naked and passed out. And it was a weekday and we all had to work today. Unbelievable.

The sad but hilarious part is, it's not going to change anytime soon. I was out in the garage talking to TheStripper and Magnet last night, telling them about how B and I are looking for a house (TheStripper was previously unaware of this). Their response?

TheStripper: "We're moving?"

Elle: "Well, B and I want to buy a house before he leaves."

TheStripper: "So we're moving."

Elle: "Well, B and I are."

TheStripper: "I'm coming with you."

Magnet: "Uh, me too. You and B are stuck with me."

Elle: "We weren't really planning on buying a 3- or 4-bedroom house. We just want something small for now."

TheStripper: "But... we're moving with you."

Elle: "I don't know if it's going to work like that."

TheStripper: "Figure it out."

Magnet: "Seriously. You cannot move and not have us move with you. We're like a package deal."

TheStripper: "You'll just have to figure it out."

Elle: *Sigh*

I told B about this later and he just gave me a blank stare and said, "I guess we'll have to let the realtor know we're looking for a house with more bedrooms." Unbelievable.

On another note, though, I was going through B's and my important papers/files today at work. I brought them to my office so that I could organize them better, as he's not so good at that and I've been slacking lately. I found a lot of his Army papers and certificates and such and discovered that I did not realize that the boy is as decorated as he is. We've just never talked about it. Magnet was saying the other day that none of the guys who were in their unit (who are all still extremely close friends) talk about anything that happened during the time of OIF. I don't think B hides this stuff on purpose; he's just so humble about it. His medals and awards are impressive, but he doesn't think anything of it. He's just so amazingly humble. I knew he was good at what he does, but I didn't realize he was this good. He will make an incredible officer and leader one day (he's a noncommissioned officer now). My kids are going to have quite the rich legacy handed down to them by their father.

Good Advice

2006-03-15T08:09:00.000-08:00

My boss's wife is here at my office today and we're doing the usual girl talk over coffee. She's so awesome; we've become good friends and it's always a highlight of my week when she comes over.

She just brought me a caramel macchiato from Starbucks, and the cup has one of those "The Way I See It" sayings that are on most of their cups. It struck a chord with me, as B and I have been venturing into this phase of huge commitment to each other lately, what with his 2nd tour coming up, us buying a house, talking about engagement and kids, and such.

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." (--Anne Morriss, Starbucks customer from New York City)

The empty cup is now tacked to my bulletin board right by my computer as a reminder to make this my mantra.

Steak & Blowjob Day

2006-03-15T05:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Steak and Blowjob Day. You know: March 14th, the man's equivalent of Valentine's Day. It's much better than VD, though, because it's much more simple: you buy him a steak, and you give him a blowjob. Easy enough, especially since I do those 2 things all the time anyway.

Being the wonderful girlfriend that I am, and the caring hostess that I try to be, I made New York strips and my famous garlic rosemary potatoes for B and our new roommate, PsychoMagnet. They drooled while I was cooking and then they opened their hatches and tossed that food down. Sadly, though, B had to take his truck to go help a friend of ours move a bed after dinner, so PsychoMagnet and I watched a movie and I fell asleep on the couch. No blowjobs were to be had, but I don't feel so bad because B and I had dirty, filthy sex 2 nights ago and I'm sure we'll do it again tonight. (I'm taking the boys to Dollar Drink Night at one of our favorite bars downtown, which always leads to passionate humping.)

TheStripper's boyfriend/sugar daddy brought all of her stuff over yesterday. My goodness, his truck was crammed full of her shit. B and I were so excited about getting the nice microwave back, though. We were so sad when she took it to her boyfriend's house. The best part? She's out of town and has no idea that he kicked her to the curb. Nice. She gets home tonight and I just can't wait to clean the carpets after the shit hits the fan.

I think B's liking having PsychoMagnet back. They've got this unbelievable bond that is unique to guys in the military who were at the front lines of a war together. It's a really cool dynamic to watch and be around. Friends like that are so few and far between, and I've got 2 extremely hot ones in my house. How lucky am I?!

Crowded

2006-03-14T06:37:00.000-08:00

B and I have unwittingly gained 2 roommates within the past 12 hours.

No, seriously. 2 within less than 1 full f-ing day. And our house isn't all that big. It's just a 3/2.

I got a call from B yesterday afternoon that was just the cherry on top of what had been a simply wonderful parfait of a day:

B: "Hey, honey. Guess who's on their way down here right now."

Elle: "I don't know. Who?"

B: "[Insert name of psycho-woman-magnet here]."

Elle: *Stunned silence*

B: "Honey?"

Elle: *Picks jaw up off of floor*

PsychoMagnet apparently managed to release his balls from the iron grip that his sugar mama had on them, dislodge her talons from his flesh, and leave her for good. While this makes me very proud of him and happy that he finally has a chance at being free and happy again, it's one more soldier to take care of (he was in Iraq with B in 2003). Read: one more hollow leg to fill with steaks and potatoes, more loads of laundry, more cleaning, a higher power bill. Dear lord, I fear the grocery bill. I don't have enough Prozac for this.

However, my boyfriend, bless his heart, doesn't think of those things and just sees the fact that his friend needs us. I, on the other hand, have a generalized anxiety disorder and OCD.

So, like I said, we now have 2 roommates. PsychoMagnet and now, TheStripper.

B just called me.

B: "Guess who just called." (Do you see the pattern forming here? When he's got news that he knows will freak me out, he likes to make me guess what it is.)

Elle: "I don't know, honey."

B: "[Insert name of TheStripper's sugar daddy here]."

Elle: "What?! How the hell did he get your cell phone number?"

B: "He wants to drop off TheStripper's stuff today. He's coming at 4:30."

Images of a crowded house, rapidly disappearing food, heaps of laundry, overshared and dirty bathrooms, skyrocketing bills, and drama flashed before my eyes. It has been wonderful lately with just him and me in the house; it's peaceful, relaxed, and completely drama-free. Completely. I'm going to lose it.

Before B hung up after that gem of a conversation, he said:

"We're going house shopping this weekend."

Commit

2006-03-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

I've been sick to my stomach all day.

My boyfriend told me last night that he had accepted the fact that I was going to leave him and/or cheat on him while he's in the sandbox.

Had I not been in a crowd of hundreds of people, I probably would have started to cry.

I don't know what to do, and I hate it. I hate conflict, I hate lovers' problems, I hate feeling like I'm not being trusted by the one person I love the most. I'm trying so hard to put myself in his shoes and see things from his point of view, to understand why he's so skeptical of the commitment I've made to him. My gut tells me that the only way to prove it to him is to be faithful while he's gone and be there at his homecoming. To me, this is so obviously a done deal. To him, me promising this is a reminder of the nightmares that have already happened to him and his friends in the past when it came to women and their inability to keep their legs shut and not have a field day with their boys' money while they were off in a war zone. It's a reminder that to someone, he wasn't worth the wait.

I love him. I used to think that I loved some of my boyfriends; now, though, I realize that I loved them like I love all of my friends: in a caring, concerned-for-their-welfare sort of way. With B, it's different. He is my other half, which I know sounds cliche but is the only way to describe how I feel empty and completely unlike myself when we're apart. We are best friends. We laugh, we play, we dream, we act like little kids who love each moment as it comes. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, watching our kids grow up and find success. Now that he's a part of my life, I don't want to live without him.

I don't know if the problem lies in B not trusting me. I think the problem lies in the baggage that he carries from past relationships where he loved and trusted someone else and they stomped on his heart. I can't change those things in the past, those things that happened to him and his friends that should never happen to anyone, ever. I wish I could take those back and carry them on my own shoulders but life, unfortunately, doesn't work like that.

As if him leaving didn't suck enough, this just makes it all the more sad. My therapist asked me the other day if I was glad that I had so much time before he leaves, but the truth is that I'm not sure. Having to look forward to something like this for months is much more difficult than I anticipated. I feel like I'm facing this uphill battle that I have to figure out how to deal with but can't start to tackle until months from now.

And he wants us to find a house to buy before he leaves? I consider a house and a mortgage a HUGE commitment. I would never even entertain the thought of purchasing one if I didn't want to be with him forever.

Dance!

2006-03-11T16:30:00.000-08:00

Last night was the most fun I've had in a really long time, not counting the times when the fun being had was dirty and with my boyfriend.

I went downtown with B and a big crowd of our friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. The liquor was plentiful, the bars were full, and we shook our asses until the places closed down. I love to dance, and it's all the more fun when I'm with the girls and we spend the night dancing together. Good lord, I was so sore the next day.

My best friend comes to town next Wednesday and much more ass-shaking is to be had. I'm taking off work; I need a vacation so badly.

Back to the Sandbox

2006-03-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

I think I always knew that it was more likely to happen than not.

Still, I'm not sure that anything could have really prepared me for the moment my boyfriend told me he was going to Iraq for a year. Not only going to Iraq, but going back to Iraq.

I felt like I couldn't breathe. The thought of life without him for a year is a concept too difficult for me to wrap my mind around. A year of coming home to a dark and empty house, of sleeping alone, of cooking for one. A year of not waking to his beautiful, peaceful face and quiet breathing next to me. A year of not having him there to hold me, curled up, in his arms on the couch while we watch our favorite shows.

But you know, how's it going to be for him? He's going back to a war-torn country to do some dangerous work. He's already haunted by the things he did and saw at the very beginning of the war, when he and his boys marched Baghdad. He's started to revert back into the primitive survival mode that he was in 3 years ago; I see him mentally preparing himself to return to that life. It baffles me and bothers me at the same time.

He told me yesterday that he kind of expects me to leave him when he's gone. Why shouldn't he? It happened with another girl the last time he went to Iraq. It's happened to his friends. But how do I answer to that? What do I say to convince him that when I picture my future, all I see is his face?

I'd say that I wish this war were over, that he didn't have to go. I can't, though, because I know that my boyfriend believes in the rights of the Iraqi people to live freely, under a government whose processes they have a say in. He made friends with the people while he was there the first time. He was welcomed into their homes and shared meals with them. He understands this war more than I ever will, and more than the vast majority of Americans ever will. He grieves for the lives lost while he was there, lives from both his country and from the country he was occupying. He knows. He understands. And he's going back.

I am so lucky, so blessed to have such a man as my best friend and lover. There is nothing for me but to be here when he gets home.

My Favorite Pictures

2006-03-09T08:52:00.000-08:00