Stretching Me Thin
My nerves are shot and I am at the end of my rope.
The thing is, I'm not supposed to feel this way no matter how bad things get. I take Prozac, and a lot of it, for a good reason. I am not supposed to feel stretched this thin anymore.
I've had roommates for less than a week now, and I already hate it. Hate it. I miss having the house to just B and myself. I miss the quiet. I miss not having to fight over the washer or dryer or the television or the kitchen. I hate that when I leave the kitchen clean in the mornings and go off to work, I come home to a sink full of dishes and no one in sight even having bothered to start to clean them up. I hate that this morning, just like every other morning on trash days, I had to collect the trash from all around the house and put it on the curb because no one bothers to help do it the night before, ever, even though they know that I am the only one who has to be up at 6:30 every morning to go to work all day. I hate that our cats don't have nearly as much room to roam anymore, because there is so much crap lying around everywhere. I hate that I can't keep the bathrooms clean. I miss being able to be fully consumed with B and myself, and not having to worry about taking care of 2 other people who need mothering.
B called me today while he was on his way to his parents' house. The sound of his voice instantly calmed me and I thought, again, about how it'll only be a couple of months until I can't hear that voice throughout the day, every day. It's starting to sink in that he's leaving. Maybe it was the fact that he spent a good chunk of the weekend putting software on his new laptop so that he can work on writing his program while he's over there. It was like watching him get ready to leave me and there was nothing I could do about it. It's so frustrating knowing that it's coming and I have to wait for it; I can't just start to get through it now.
I'm waiting for a mortgage broker I used to write insurance for to call me today so we can get the ball rolling on getting a house. The roommates both think they're moving in with us, but I think that B and I are just going to end up being alone again. As hard as being without B is going to be, I don't think that I can handle roommates alone. I avoid confrontation and B's the one who deals with them when it needs to be done now; I can't do it myself.
I just want us to get our new house. I want us to have our life back and get rid of all this idiotic drama that has been brought into our house recently.
The thing is, I'm not supposed to feel this way no matter how bad things get. I take Prozac, and a lot of it, for a good reason. I am not supposed to feel stretched this thin anymore.
I've had roommates for less than a week now, and I already hate it. Hate it. I miss having the house to just B and myself. I miss the quiet. I miss not having to fight over the washer or dryer or the television or the kitchen. I hate that when I leave the kitchen clean in the mornings and go off to work, I come home to a sink full of dishes and no one in sight even having bothered to start to clean them up. I hate that this morning, just like every other morning on trash days, I had to collect the trash from all around the house and put it on the curb because no one bothers to help do it the night before, ever, even though they know that I am the only one who has to be up at 6:30 every morning to go to work all day. I hate that our cats don't have nearly as much room to roam anymore, because there is so much crap lying around everywhere. I hate that I can't keep the bathrooms clean. I miss being able to be fully consumed with B and myself, and not having to worry about taking care of 2 other people who need mothering.
B called me today while he was on his way to his parents' house. The sound of his voice instantly calmed me and I thought, again, about how it'll only be a couple of months until I can't hear that voice throughout the day, every day. It's starting to sink in that he's leaving. Maybe it was the fact that he spent a good chunk of the weekend putting software on his new laptop so that he can work on writing his program while he's over there. It was like watching him get ready to leave me and there was nothing I could do about it. It's so frustrating knowing that it's coming and I have to wait for it; I can't just start to get through it now.
I'm waiting for a mortgage broker I used to write insurance for to call me today so we can get the ball rolling on getting a house. The roommates both think they're moving in with us, but I think that B and I are just going to end up being alone again. As hard as being without B is going to be, I don't think that I can handle roommates alone. I avoid confrontation and B's the one who deals with them when it needs to be done now; I can't do it myself.
I just want us to get our new house. I want us to have our life back and get rid of all this idiotic drama that has been brought into our house recently.
posted by Liz at 10:12 AM
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