Commit
I've been sick to my stomach all day.
My boyfriend told me last night that he had accepted the fact that I was going to leave him and/or cheat on him while he's in the sandbox.
Had I not been in a crowd of hundreds of people, I probably would have started to cry.
I don't know what to do, and I hate it. I hate conflict, I hate lovers' problems, I hate feeling like I'm not being trusted by the one person I love the most. I'm trying so hard to put myself in his shoes and see things from his point of view, to understand why he's so skeptical of the commitment I've made to him. My gut tells me that the only way to prove it to him is to be faithful while he's gone and be there at his homecoming. To me, this is so obviously a done deal. To him, me promising this is a reminder of the nightmares that have already happened to him and his friends in the past when it came to women and their inability to keep their legs shut and not have a field day with their boys' money while they were off in a war zone. It's a reminder that to someone, he wasn't worth the wait.
I love him. I used to think that I loved some of my boyfriends; now, though, I realize that I loved them like I love all of my friends: in a caring, concerned-for-their-welfare sort of way. With B, it's different. He is my other half, which I know sounds cliche but is the only way to describe how I feel empty and completely unlike myself when we're apart. We are best friends. We laugh, we play, we dream, we act like little kids who love each moment as it comes. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, watching our kids grow up and find success. Now that he's a part of my life, I don't want to live without him.
I don't know if the problem lies in B not trusting me. I think the problem lies in the baggage that he carries from past relationships where he loved and trusted someone else and they stomped on his heart. I can't change those things in the past, those things that happened to him and his friends that should never happen to anyone, ever. I wish I could take those back and carry them on my own shoulders but life, unfortunately, doesn't work like that.
As if him leaving didn't suck enough, this just makes it all the more sad. My therapist asked me the other day if I was glad that I had so much time before he leaves, but the truth is that I'm not sure. Having to look forward to something like this for months is much more difficult than I anticipated. I feel like I'm facing this uphill battle that I have to figure out how to deal with but can't start to tackle until months from now.
And he wants us to find a house to buy before he leaves? I consider a house and a mortgage a HUGE commitment. I would never even entertain the thought of purchasing one if I didn't want to be with him forever.
My boyfriend told me last night that he had accepted the fact that I was going to leave him and/or cheat on him while he's in the sandbox.
Had I not been in a crowd of hundreds of people, I probably would have started to cry.
I don't know what to do, and I hate it. I hate conflict, I hate lovers' problems, I hate feeling like I'm not being trusted by the one person I love the most. I'm trying so hard to put myself in his shoes and see things from his point of view, to understand why he's so skeptical of the commitment I've made to him. My gut tells me that the only way to prove it to him is to be faithful while he's gone and be there at his homecoming. To me, this is so obviously a done deal. To him, me promising this is a reminder of the nightmares that have already happened to him and his friends in the past when it came to women and their inability to keep their legs shut and not have a field day with their boys' money while they were off in a war zone. It's a reminder that to someone, he wasn't worth the wait.
I love him. I used to think that I loved some of my boyfriends; now, though, I realize that I loved them like I love all of my friends: in a caring, concerned-for-their-welfare sort of way. With B, it's different. He is my other half, which I know sounds cliche but is the only way to describe how I feel empty and completely unlike myself when we're apart. We are best friends. We laugh, we play, we dream, we act like little kids who love each moment as it comes. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, watching our kids grow up and find success. Now that he's a part of my life, I don't want to live without him.
I don't know if the problem lies in B not trusting me. I think the problem lies in the baggage that he carries from past relationships where he loved and trusted someone else and they stomped on his heart. I can't change those things in the past, those things that happened to him and his friends that should never happen to anyone, ever. I wish I could take those back and carry them on my own shoulders but life, unfortunately, doesn't work like that.
As if him leaving didn't suck enough, this just makes it all the more sad. My therapist asked me the other day if I was glad that I had so much time before he leaves, but the truth is that I'm not sure. Having to look forward to something like this for months is much more difficult than I anticipated. I feel like I'm facing this uphill battle that I have to figure out how to deal with but can't start to tackle until months from now.
And he wants us to find a house to buy before he leaves? I consider a house and a mortgage a HUGE commitment. I would never even entertain the thought of purchasing one if I didn't want to be with him forever.
posted by Liz at 9:50 AM
1 Comments:
Um...the whole trusting thing. We women take a leap of faith. We meet someone, and then we jump in to the pool of love. They need to put in their tootsies to feel the water, and we are splashing around saying, jump in, jump in...but they just can't let go. I was in love with my bf before he left...and he was in love with me. But about halfway thru the deployment I asked my bf, when he realized he loved me, and I expected some tale from our first few months together. And he replied: seriously? And I said...yes. And he said, since I have been deployed. It was like a knife in my heart. Couldn't he have been sure of being in love with me before that? Well, apparently not. Apparently it took deploying, and it took seeing that I was still waiting, and going thru all those hardships that he finally felt he could jump in too. He said he loved me before...but he wasn't absolutely certain until some time into the deployment. Men are wimps like that. But it is all worth it. And yeah, the uphill battle of feeling he is deployed before he has even left...you are living in limbo...well, be strong!
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